I've meaning to write this blog post for a while now i.e about 20 years but a while will be ok to use for an accurate time scale at this point... I've always struggled with the fact that I'm a girl! Yes I'm a girl and now a 37 year old woman! WOW! By the fact that I mean I've struggled I mean that I am allowed to be girlie, not in a transgender way however if that's your struggle you go new girl go for it!! I mean I don't think I've ever let myself be a girl! Pink! The lovely side of being a girl.
I've always believed that I had to be strong and in ways quite masculine. I think this could be from the days when I was younger and my mother and father had a very volatile relationship meaning I had it instilled from the off that I was my mothers support, her rock, her turn to person. When my parents split up I can remember not even crying at the age of 11 because I needed to be strong for my mum and my younger sister and continue to be the rock that I had formed myself into. It carried on into school and being from a one parent family on benefits and clothing allowance I had to stay hard not to get picked on so my big mouth and the odd slap here and there helped. I was never a bully!!! Don't get me wrong I only slapped the bullies. I can remember someone saying (Whispering) to one of her friends 'didn't she wear that to last years school disco?' and the answer was right.....I did so neutral and not to stand out was my ongoing format!
I think I have also carried this on in my own relationships and instead of being the girl that I am I have continued to be a force and really underneath the trakkie bottoms and baseball caps I'm really not hard I'm a lovely pink pillow of fluff so why have I carried on this way and decided to think that being pink is not cool?? I do think that this part of me has hindered my relationships, not saying that the breakup I had last year was my fault at all but I do think I was harder than I needed to be in the relationships I've had.
So at 37 years of age I have decided that enough is enough and clearly it's not gotten me very far and to be honest I like being a girl, I like dressing up and being pretty but my confidence lacks big time in this department as it's not what I know so I'm having to re wire myself as it were and diminish all the thoughts that being a girlie girl who likes the colour pink as being a being a big softie who can get walked all over at any point. I don't mean I want to change all of me as those who know me well know that 'fuck' and 'cunt' are my my most favourite words like....ever!! But I feel I need to actually embrace my femininity and wear it with pride! So this is my coming out of the closet story all though very slowly I am and will start to embrace who I truly am. It's never to late to change and be who you want to be right? Pink lippy, Pink dresses, Pink Home furnishings!.....I'm doing this!